Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
trans men are MEN. for instance I can tell my husband 50 times about my friend sarah and he’ll STILL be like “wait who’s sarah”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 4, 2022
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
— smerobin (@smerobin) May 13, 2022
You think you have a strong marriage until you discover that both of you have the same favorite cereal bowl
— Coach Rusty (@rusty_coach) May 9, 2022
If you wanna know how my marriage is going, my wife just pointed the remote at me and blatantly turned me down.
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 12, 2022
I just apologized to my husband because I moved his lawn mowing shoes from the top of the shoe rack to the bottom and he couldn’t find them. Marriage is weird.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) May 15, 2022
My husband is cleaning the bathroom, but sex on a Monday?
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 9, 2022
Even after 15 years of marriage, my husband still can’t take his eyes off me when I’m backing the car out of the driveway.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 15, 2022
air-conditioned wife, happy life
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 12, 2022
My husband just pulled a “my house, my rules” on me and I think now might be a good time for me to tell him I was too lazy to add him to the title after we got married.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 13, 2022
Secret to a successful marriage is to be the first one to say, I didn’t sleep well last night because of your snoring
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 10, 2022
There’s maybe three days a year where my wife and I agree on the thermostat temperature.
I cherish those days.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 15, 2022
True love is finding someone who will steal your kid’s candy for you, when you cannot steal it for yourself
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) May 5, 2022
I once mowed the grass too short. It took my lawn a week to recover. My husband has yet to recover.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 14, 2022
My husband is smart enough to know that “what are we going to do about it” really means “what are you going to do about it?”
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 5, 2022
A very normal 7 a.m. text to my wife 🥰 pic.twitter.com/nNw3zteANf
— lucy bexley 🧃 is on deadline (@bexley_lucy) May 11, 2022
I searched for my keys for 1 hour and kept asking husband if he put them somewhere and he said he didn’t and then finally reminded me he put a tracker device on them so we used it to discover he had put them in the trash and after all that he wanted praise for the tracker device.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 11, 2022
Marriage is having your spouse sit next to you and play loud videos on their phone while you’re trying to watch your favorite show.
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) May 12, 2022
We need to talk about the fact that sometimes my spouse tricks me into solving his Wordle for him by pretending to be doing a crossword
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) May 16, 2022
Spent a half hour looking for my shoes and it was wild when I found out my wife put them in the shoe closet
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 6, 2022
Wife’s smartwatch indicated she was working out last night but all she was doing was trying on an old pair of jeans 😂
— TitsforTat 🏳️🌈 (@magicalchaos14) May 14, 2022
My wife wanted to be served in bed today, but I guess she didn’t mean a Yo Momma joke. Marriage can be confusing sometimes.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 8, 2022
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 8, 2022
My husband chose this weekend to attempt to build a stone patio for his grill. Anyhoooo I’m just watching him destroy our backyard two days before an outdoor party we are throwing. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Perfectly. Fine.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 7, 2022
Marriage teaches you some bowls go on the top rack of the dishwasher and some of the exact same bowls must go on the bottom rack.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 12, 2022
My husband and I are going on a cross country road trip. I’m in charge of snacks and entertainment. He’s in charge of “driving straight through” and “beating the GPS time”.
⠀
Clearly we both know our strengths in this relationship.— Tiffany (@tiffanytweets80) May 12, 2022