Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband and I have decided to start planning an international trip together because we haven’t had a good passive aggressive fight over nothing in a while.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 3, 2024
me: did you see the video I sent you
my husband:
me:
my husband: I saw that you sent it
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 2, 2024
My wife and I are currently on day three of a silent argument of who is going to clean the lasagna pan that’s soaking next to the sink.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 7, 2024
My husband went all over town looking for eclipse glasses and finally came home and triumphantly held up two pairs like a lion delivering an animal carcass to his pride.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 8, 2024
Anyone else do that fun married couple thing where if one of you goes up to bed early, the other one is incapable of being an adult and stays up way too late?
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) April 4, 2024
Went to add something to the grocery list on my wife’s phone when I saw this ☠️ pic.twitter.com/dXLEU1v7Gy
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 3, 2024
Dating does nothing to prepare you for the stage of marriage when you’re annoyed with how loudly they turn on the light.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 7, 2024
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) April 6, 2024
My wife said something about her jeans being too tight while we were driving on a dirt road and now we are nominated for a Country Music Award.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 8, 2024
wife: I just felt the earth move
*looking in mirror
me: still got it— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) April 5, 2024
I don’t complain about my husband here for the likes. I do it so that my complaints can show up on the websites he reads.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) April 4, 2024
Watching the Women’s NCAA games with the wife. Me, trying to impress her:
I made a free throw once in middle school. 😏
— N.J. Gallegos and the half priced Cadbury Eggs (@DrSpooky_ER) April 6, 2024
It’s my wife’s job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024
My husband went to the craft store with my kid and brought home three containers of glitter, in case you’re wondering why I changed the locks
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 2, 2024
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 3, 2024
Watching bowling on TV is incredibly boring, but then my husband was like, “Let me explain bowling while we watch” and OMG HE MADE IT WORSE!
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 6, 2024
I was awoken this morning by my husband screaming the F word, flying out of bed, and then driving away from the house 12 seconds later. I still have no explanation for this. I don’t think he even had a shirt on.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 5, 2024
my wife just came in, grabbed a wine glass and filled it with whiskey and walked off. I feel that.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 3, 2024
Me: What do you want to do for dinner?
Him: I don’t care, what do you want?
Me: Doesn’t matter, whatever you want.
Him: I don’t care.*Repeat forever, until one of you dies
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 8, 2024
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 7, 2024