Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
What position is it in soccer where my kid tries to find a four leaf clover?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 25, 2022
My teen can’t find her shoes and she has nobody to blame but me, her dad, me again, her siblings, her own shoes, the school bus, the cat, our stupid house, the universe,…
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 22, 2022
Me: I’m struggling with some demons today
Wife: I thought I told you to stop calling our kids that
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 22, 2022
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 25, 2022
Sometimes I look down at my newborn baby, suckling away at 3AM, and I think: “You better fucking defend me when your spouse calls me a psychopath.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 21, 2022
I put 5’s peas in a bowl but she wanted them on her plate so I put them on her plate and they touched the pasta so I gave her the bowl back but it was too late I’d already ruined her life
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 23, 2022
The price of gas was what really made me cave and get my 6 year old that pony for her birthday. “Off you go to school children. Giddyup”
— devon sawa (@DevonESawa) March 21, 2022
my son told someone his favorite show is love is blind is that ok
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) March 21, 2022
why are you the way that you are?
-me to my kids, knowing full well i am the reason
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 19, 2022
Yesterday: 4yo sees one lone ladybug in the house.
This morning at drop off: 4 announces to his teachers and classmates that he lives “in a home FULL of bugs.”
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 22, 2022
7 told me 9 passed away in his bed. i started to freak out before i realized he meant passed out.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 20, 2022
Pretty upsetting that my wife won’t remind me where our 6YO’s birthday party is, which we both planned together
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 21, 2022
I confronted my daughter about hitting her brother and she told me she was “just giving him a face high five.” I tried not to laugh. Honestly I did. I promise.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 21, 2022
When your kid says she can’t wait until she’s an adult because “then you can finally do whatever you want.” pic.twitter.com/yKl5gjIUAN
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 22, 2022
My 6yo would like a second bath towel so he doesn’t, and I quote, “get butt on my face.”
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 23, 2022
My son just said IKEA is grownup Legos and I’ve never felt more connected and seen.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 24, 2022
(braless, post school drop-off, groceries in the backseat) Is this the gangster’s paradise people sing about?
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 21, 2022
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 21, 2022
I love how unabashedly kids make friends at the park.
My daughter: My mom is over there (points). She dyes her hair.
New friend: That’s my mom there (points). She’s 46 and she’s on a diet.
— Unfiltered Mama 🌻 (@UnfilteredMama) March 20, 2022
Parenting tip: to keep your kids quiet in the car let them throw the crumbs from their car seat out the window for the birds. For ten minutes my car was quiet and now it’s a little cleaner.
— Bre (@fullofmonsense) March 20, 2022
I asked my husband where he bought those cute little ice packs I’ve been using in the kids lunches and yep they’re from his vasectomy
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 24, 2022
I’ve been shat and puked on half a dozen times already and it’s only 7 am. This is the Exorcist baby
— Trey (@treydayway) March 24, 2022
Why do my kids get out of the car and don’t close the door like I’m their damn chauffeur? Also don’t answer that.
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) March 22, 2022
Some days parenting is really fun. Some days parenting is hard because your kid has decided they’re a dog and will only respond to you if you pretend they’re a dog.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 20, 2022