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There’s no such thing as monsters I tell my kid as I turn out his light and run the fuck down the hall
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) March 3, 2022
I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022
thoughts and prayers for my daughter who misunderstood evolution and is now mourning that she didn’t morph from a kitten
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 2, 2022
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 3, 2022
Told my kids they had to share a donut and they whipped out a ruler, protractor, scale, and magnifying glass
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 3, 2022
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) March 3, 2022
Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that’s October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 1, 2022
Kids bedtime is the Whac-A-Mole of parenting world
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 3, 2022
Ladies please remember I did my best when you are on a date with my son and he orders spaghetti.
— Laurie Kilmartin- West Bend WI, March 5 (@anylaurie16) February 28, 2022
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack, if you’re missing something let me know because it was definitely in there
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 2, 2022
Me: your dress is so cool, it has pockets!
3yo: oh… I can put snacks in them!
This kid gets it
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 3, 2022
My daughter told me that my belly is more squishy than a pillow so I’ll be accepting applications for a new heir
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 3, 2022
I just want to have the same confidence walking into any room as my kid does walking into the bathroom when I’m using it.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 28, 2022
My child, THE ONE WHO GAVE ME COVID, just asked if I could cough more quietly
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) March 3, 2022
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 28, 2022
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2022
Parents, you can still do all the things you used to love. There’s just a kid screaming in the background now.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) March 3, 2022
When my kids were little they called the baby monitor the momitor and honestly why isn’t it called that?
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) February 26, 2022
The inventor of dodgeball was probably a parent who was like, “Payback time, bitches”
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 3, 2022
Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) March 4, 2022
I’ve never cheated death but I have survived sneezing after a c-section, so, same.
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) February 28, 2022
My 5yo told me I hurt her feelings cause I wouldn’t let her have a popsicle for dinner and then said she’ll “never be happy again” and her tears will “never be gone” and I deserve an academy award for not laughing at this level of drama.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 3, 2022
My 5 YO got in the car this morning to go to school and asked if we “should roll the windows down and party” and I think I need to approach everything with that level of energy from now on.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) March 2, 2022
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 2, 2022