When I was younger, I remember getting angry at my mom tons of times because she didn’t let me have my way. My mom and I would argue a lot, and I’d be mad at her, sometimes, for days. And sometimes, my mom would respond by telling me that motherhood isn’t easy, and I would understand once I had my own kids. And I wondered, “How hard can it get? I know it can be tough, but I mean, it can’t be that bad.” It wasn’t until I became a mom that I really understood exactly what my mother was talking about. Pregnancy was a breeze, and I enjoyed every moment of it. I never had morning sickness or any of the common problems women experience during pregnancy. I barely had cravings, wasn’t that tired, my face was glowing, and my hair and nails grew.
So, I figured if the pregnancy was this easy, maybe having my baby wouldn’t be as hard as people made it sound. But from labor and delivery to the postpartum phase, things turned for the worst. Labor lasted hours, and I didn’t get an epidural. That was just about the longest and most painful time of my life. But if I had to, I’d do it all again for my daughter. Yes, it was a dreadful experience, but I can’t get over that innocent beautiful stare, and her tiny fingers clasping my thumb.
And once I took my daughter home, I thought everything would be now fine. But my problems were just about to start. From latching problems, cracked bleeding nipples, sleepless nights, a colicky baby, all while healing. It was so bad that I cried a lot. But things got pretty easy after the first three months. Now I wouldn’t say it’s been a breeze. Of course, we’ve had a few rough patches along the way. At one point, my daughter refused to take the breast, she wouldn’t sleep unless I held her, and she would cry forever if I didn’t pick her up. Still, looking back, there hasn’t been a moment even when I was exhausted, stressed, and counting the minutes to go to bed, that I wasn’t fulfilled.
My daughter is at the toddler stage, and she’s decided not to listen to me, she thinks it’s funny when I put her in time out, and she throws tantrums at the smallest things. In a few minutes, she’ll throw her plate of grapes, scrambled eggs, and peas to the floor, play with the light switches, drop something in a bowl of water, run into my room, jump on the bed, and then run through the mess she’d dumped again. Other days, she’ll cry because I won’t let her watch TV, even though the power is out, or she’ll wake up hysterical from her nap, and nothing can comfort her. On these days, I’m at my end and about to lose my mind.
But I love my daughter so much. Even when she drives me to near madness, I am so glad that I deal with her. Yes, I have to deal with the crazy, challenging, whiny times, but I also get to deal with the happy, scared, heart-melting moments like when she’s snoring in my arms, when she hands me my phone and claps for herself when she gives me a big hug and says, “Awwwwwwh.” These are the moments I live for, and I’m glad to see my baby grow through all of these phases.
I’ve done a lot of other tough stuff, but motherhood tops the list. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I love it more than anything I’ve ever done. I can’t imagine not having my tiny, beautiful daughter in my life. I love being her mommy. And even though I don’t enjoy every moment of it, the happy moments make me realize that all of it is worthwhile. I love to be the one to hold her when she cries and kisses her dog when he’s hurt. I love being the one who has to keep it together when she is crying. I love to be the one helping her learn something new; I enjoy changing her diaper and giving her baths. Yes, it gets pretty hard, and other days I’m burnt out. But even with all the challenges, I have learned so much. Motherhood has taught me pain, love, confidence, patience, kindness, and so many other things.
I’m learning every new day, and I love every bit of this new person I’ve become, and I’m becoming. Motherhood is truly the hardest thing I enjoy doing.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a personal essay and does not express the views of Babygaga.com
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