Being a parent means constantly getting unsolicited advice about raising kids. This guidance is occasionally semi-helpful, but it’s more often useless and/or baffling.
The funny parents of Twitter know how to share real nuggets of wisdom, however. We’ve rounded up 45 tweets offering hilarious (and, at times, actually helpful) “parenting tips.” Enjoy!
Parenting tip: Buy your toddler a pop up book for them to enjoy once and then destroy.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 12, 2017
Parenting tip:
Take advantage of the time your kids are sleeping, to:
1. Eat all the really good snacks.
2. Throw away most of their “artwork”.— Ohio mom of two #BLM 🏳️🌈 (@OhioMomoftwo) May 25, 2019
Parenting tip:
When you buy your child their first pedal bicycle, go for the lightest one you can possibly find.
No idea if it helps them learn, but you’ll thank me after you carry it around the park all afternoon when they refuse to ride it.
You’re welcome.
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) November 3, 2019
Parenting tip: Prepare yourself to be a parent by talking to walls, rocks, or any other inanimate object. They have the same listening skills as a toddler. #parentingtips
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) July 17, 2019
Parenting pro tip:
If you hear them say “I spilled a little” it actually means “time to build an ark”
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 19, 2021
When I was little & heard sirens my dad would say “They’re coming to take you to an orphanage” if any of you are looking for some stellar parenting tips.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 5, 2021
Call your lunch of leftover goldfish, uneaten cheese sticks, 3 grapes and some lunch meat your kid didn’t eat “charcuterie” and now instead of being sad, you’re fancy!
Follow me for more uplifting parenting tips!
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 20, 2020
PARENTING TIP: just don’t look over at the way your kid is eating that hot dog
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 3, 2021
Helpful parenting tip No.542:
Never allow your child into your bed with any item that you wouldn’t like to be hit in the head with repeatedly.#parenting #dadlife
— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) April 11, 2019
Parenting tip: any time can be midnight if you search for last year’s ball drop on YouTube pic.twitter.com/hHWi7YuK9W
— The Dad (@thedad) December 31, 2018
Them: What tips can you give about parenting?
Me: If I had one piece of good advice, I’d give it.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) February 26, 2021
Parenting tip: when your kid refuses to pick up her shopkins, don’t try to teach her a lesson by leaving them scattered on the floor. 2AM you will thank me later.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) January 27, 2021
Tween Parenting Tip:
If you like your tween’s outfit, do NOT, under any circumstances, compliment it. In any way. If you do, they will immediately go and change. Say nothing. Do not make eye contact. Be cool.— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) September 21, 2019
Parenting Tip: Wondering why you suddenly have random fruit flies?
Check to see if your toddler has placed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside his toy kitchen, in order to age it to absolute perfection. pic.twitter.com/xBEGq4XZhT
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) August 18, 2020
Parenting tip: Keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your kid’s heart by using the threat of Santa’s naughty list throughout the entire year
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 24, 2012
Parenting tip:
Threaten to cut your kids out of your inheritance at every opportunity.
That way when you die and they are left with nothing they’ll think it’s because they’ve been a tormenting little shit that drove you to the grave rather than you just being poor
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) March 1, 2020
A three step guide to parenting:
See beautiful white couch
Remember your life
Buy wine instead
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 29, 2016
Parenting top tip:
When you’re not really listening to your kids, don’t just say yes to everything.
Long story short I have to make a green rocket that’s taller than Jack this weekend.
— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) October 17, 2019
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
— Marl (@Marlebean) April 2, 2019
Parenting Tip:
Your kids will go through a phase in which they regard everything you do or say in their presence as deeply embarrassing.
This phase typically begins at pre-adolescence and ends when you die.
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) July 17, 2019
Self-care tip: Wear a luxurious moisturizing face mask as you wipe your child’s shitty ass so that you, too, may feel as if you’re enjoying the spa day of your dreams.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 4, 2020
Winter parenting tip:
Turn their hot cocoa into chocolate milk by simply pouring it into a different cup after they leave it sit for 7 hours and then complain that you never give them anything yummy.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) November 27, 2018
My only parenting tip: this summer, buy 30 poster boards. Then when school starts, and a stupid 4th grade project is due and the stores are sold out, and the other parents are panicking, calmly announce, “Hey assholes, I got $20 poster boards for sale.”
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) July 22, 2019
Parenting Tip: On your birthday tell your kids you want a mime-themed party and you can get like 5 minutes of silence.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) April 1, 2014
Parenting tip: Tell your toddler that you wrote every book you ever read to them. They are not smart. They will believe you.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 25, 2016
Parenting lesson #179: there is no crisis so severe that a promise of a Batman popsicle after school will not solve.
— viet thanh nguyen (@viet_t_nguyen) April 27, 2016
Parenting top tip:
If your baby is asleep, don’t drop your phone on them.
They hate that.#parenting #dadlife
— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) April 29, 2019
parenting tip: if your kid ever says “well, technically-” you’re screwed.
— MarinkaNYC (@MarinkaNYC) March 6, 2014
Parenting Tip: When your kid comes and asks you for duct tape, it is always a bad thing.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 18, 2016
Parenting Tip: On the first night of vacation, have a complete emotional breakdown in front of your kids so they know not to fuck with you.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 21, 2014
Parenting tip: Asking your 16yo daughter why she listens to such stupid music is NOT the best conversation starter.
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) November 29, 2013
Parenting tip: smother the broccoli in chocolate and then replace the broccoli with almonds and then put them in my mouth.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 11, 2014
Parenting Tip: Dump half of your toddler’s food directly into the trash to save time and sanity.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 7, 2017
Parenting Tip:
A sure fire way to get your kids to eat anything is to tell them that it’s yours.
God dammit!
— Sara (@smilely_gal) July 9, 2013
Parenting tip: When your kids sleep on the trampoline on warm summer nights, be sure that the sprinklers are set to go on.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 18, 2016
Things I’ve learned since becoming a mom: Pacifiers: Unfortunately the 5 second rule does not apply.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) August 16, 2013
Parenting tip: If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very, very suspicious.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 18, 2016
Parenting tip:
The best way to cure baby constipation is to be late for an important appointment.
— RollOverandPlayDad (@AndPlayDad) April 26, 2013
Back To School Tip
Children are anxious their first day back, so parents: hold off high 5-ing each other until after leaving school grounds— Meh me once… (@TheAlexNevil) August 14, 2015
Parenting Tip: Don’t tell your 7yo his shorts are on backwards in public because he’ll drop his pants right in the middle of Chuck E Cheese.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) September 14, 2013
Parenting Tip:
When you buy a new car, keep your old car to use for driving the kids (and their ridiculously muddy footprints) around.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 2, 2018
Parenting tip:
If it’s your kid’s 2nd birthday, save yourself some money and don’t bother getting any presents.
Just buy balloons.
You can thank me later.
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) March 29, 2019
Parenting tip: If you say to a child, “Please find something else to complain about” they will find 487 other things to complain about.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 16, 2018
Parenting tip: Save some inspirational background music on your iPod to play during deep talks with your kids on their bed.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 30, 2014
There’s no such thing as parenting advice. There are only parenting warnings.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 23, 2016