Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
It’s not a family hike unless a child refuses to walk.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 14, 2021
My son had his first New York bagel today and clutched his heart and let out a little Bernadette Peters moan.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) June 15, 2021
my husband took away all the toys and screens from my sons for a week and all I want to know is what did I do to deserve this
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) June 12, 2021
I saw another mom at the pool and forgot I wasn’t wearing a mask. I just stood there, unsmiling, waving like a creepy clown
— jo (@whatsJo) June 17, 2021
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their nose on a marshmallow
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 15, 2021
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 16, 2021
“Hey I have a great idea what about Child’s Day?” – 🙄🙄my son when I said to make something for fathers day 🙄
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) June 16, 2021
Our son (5yo) asked us how we met a few days ago. We told him on BlackPlanet, to which he replied:
“Black planet? How long did you live there? Why did you leave?”
He was dead serious until we explained it was a place on the Internet 😭
— i already twote it 👁 (@Steph_I_Will) June 15, 2021
Have a kid, they said. They’re great, they said pic.twitter.com/FMwGqaHlsu
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) June 15, 2021
Showed the 6 year old the Steve Martin routine where he’s wearing an arrow through the head and he was very quiet for all of it, then asked in a low voice, “how is he still alive?”
— Elizabeth Spiers (@espiers) June 13, 2021
I can hear my 5 year old throwing an end-of-day tantrum and giving my husband a hard time, and if you think I’m gonna keep my ass parked on this toilet even though I’m done peeing rather than have to deal with that you are absolutely correct.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 16, 2021
I was talking with my kid (who is non-binary) about a friend whose child just also started using they/them pronouns. The parents were struggling to get the switch right, so my kiddo said, “tell them to imagine that, instead of a person, their kid is a swarm of bees.”
— Tom Rademacher (@MrTomRad) June 14, 2021
My 3-year-old, FINALLY finding the perfect hide-and-seek spot but also getting mad I’m taking too long to find him pic.twitter.com/ERFTCENTuV
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 15, 2021
Please don’t expect much of my 5 yo. He told me he has the following commitments:
1- preschool is ending.
2- he has to pet the cat every day.— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) June 16, 2021
*walks into target with a shopping list*
TARGET: no, i tell you what you need
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 15, 2021
Found one shoe on the bottom of a bookshelf. In the living room. Overflowing with tiny pieces of construction paper. The other shoe nowhere in sight.
And that pretty much sums up living with kids.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 13, 2021
4: mom you should roll over and whisper to dad to wake up and make pancakes really early tomorrow morning
me: im not going to do th- wait…that’s a really good idea
— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) June 13, 2021
I can’t tell you the difference between DC and Marvel but I would like to suggest a super hero that gains strength from grilled cheese
— McMermaid☘ (@colleen_eileen) June 17, 2021
No one:
Absolutely nobody:
My 3 yr old: Mommy you don’t need other people, because you have me
– proving parenting is actually a hostage situation
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) June 17, 2021
Just asked my pediatrician about my newborn’s swollen downstairs bits and she said “DON’T WORRY SHE’LL GROW INTO HER VAGINA”
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 17, 2021
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 16, 2021
My 5yo puts her 10yo sister in her place by saying
“come on what ever your name is”— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 17, 2021