35 Hilariously Harsh Things Parents Have Said About Their Kids

Can we stop with the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” and “FML fours” and just admit that kids are dicks until they move out?

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 15, 2021

Whenever my kids start fighting, it’s like guys, guys, guys— you’re both assholes.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) June 12, 2021

Being a dad feels like being a superhero whose superpower is somehow loving someone despite them being a total dick 90% of the time

— The Dad (@thedad) February 25, 2018

Being a stay at home parent can be lonely and frustrating because the only people you get to talk to all day poop their pants and are complete assholes.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 5, 2019

My toddler is very polite when asking to do naughty things. He’ll be like “please may I draw on the wall?” or “please may I throw food on the floor?”

And so I respond just as politely “please may you stop being a little dick?”

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 18, 2020

“Why don’t you ever tweet nice stuff about your kids?” asked my idiot daughter.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) August 3, 2012

Sat. night, watching the kids sweetly sleeping, tears in my eyes.
Because I know those holy terrors will be up at the crack of fucking dawn

— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) May 7, 2017

My 5 and 3 year old’s made up knock knock jokes are so dumb.

Sorry, not sorry.

— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) February 8, 2020

“The Giving Tree” is my favorite book about how kids can be incredibly ungrateful little shits.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 16, 2018

Sorry my toddler is being an asshole, we’re hoping he’s working on a new milestone, but it might just be who he is now

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) March 7, 2020

I told my 6yo son that apples grow with the stickers on them and he believed me. Ha! Kids are such idiots.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 24, 2020

Parenting is pretty fun if you like spending Saturday afternoons being back seat driven by a 4 foot tall tyrant wearing plastic Pikachu ears

— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 26, 2017

Goodnight moon. Goodnight red balloon. Goodnight green phone. Goodnight tiny tyrant assholes.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 5, 2016

First we blamed teething. Then we blamed developmental leaps. Now, we have no choice but to admit this is not a phase.

Our child is just an asshole.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 2, 2019

Dear kids,

Do you want to be obnoxious assholes or do you want to be cuddly lovebugs? Pick a damn lane. You’re giving me whiplash.

Sincerely,
Mom

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 28, 2020

I used to refer to our toddlers as “holy terrors,” but it turns out there’s nothing “holy” about them. #parenting

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 25, 2018

Enough with your musical ambitions already you little tyrant! You’re making mommy’s ears bleed.

— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) June 27, 2010

*showing friends videos of my toddler*

Me: Look at this idiot

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) December 22, 2019

My toddler has this condition where even though he knows the difference between right and wrong he does the wrong thing anyway. It’s called being an asshole.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 14, 2020

I might have brunch. For the parents: Brunch is when you don’t eat food until almost mid-day because no tiny tyrant has awoken you at 7 AM.

— Backpacking Dad (@BackpackingDad) June 28, 2015

one of the toughest parts about being a really good parent is having to tell your kid they look like an idiot

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 23, 2016

My kid just tried to pick up something he was standing on. Moron

— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) January 23, 2011

First you think “I want kids!”
next thing you know you’re middle aged and catering to an adorable little tyrant with a Bandaid habit.

— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) August 2, 2017

I’m teaching my kids to play baseball and they think I’m so athletic and I can’t decide if that’s endearing or if they’re idiots

— The Dad (@thedad) January 20, 2019

My 2 year-old is so terrifying that I had to help the monster under his bed find a new job today.

— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) November 18, 2019

Teach your children to love, so that when they act like little monsters, you can take away things that matter to them.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 25, 2014

If you tell kids anything is possible if they work hard enough for it, sometimes they will believe you because kids are idiots.

— keith (@tchrquotes) June 4, 2016

2 year old has started yelling “I’m Iron Man!” before growling, shouting, stamping, and throwing toys around the room like he’s fighting them

Although I’m not a fan of the boisterous behaviour, I’m more concerned about what sort of moron confuses Iron Man with the Hulk

— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 14, 2019

Had a nightmare I was being chased by tiny monsters who were clawing at me and screaming in my face oh wait I’m wide awake that’s just my life.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 28, 2018

[game night]
Me: why are the kids crying?
Wife: they misunderstood when u said snakes & ladders
Me: they’re not real ladders u fucken idiots

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 9, 2016

Who called them “kids” and not ungrateful little shits?

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 25, 2014

Impressed the kids by pushing a button & defrosting the car windshield again.

They were awestruck.

Idiots.

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) October 29, 2015

My toddler can officially climb INTO his crib. He cannot, however, climb out. What an idiot.

— Courtney (@Discourt) April 5, 2012

For as much as I bitch about my kids, I sure do love those goddamn little shits.

— It’sReally10Months (@really10months) November 2, 2018

Parents be like: God, my kid is being such an asshole today.

Parents also be like: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY LITTLE PEANUT BUTTER CUP ILL KARATE CHOP YOU IN THE THROAT

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 22, 2019